The J. Peterman Company

A supportive garment on a tailoring mannequin, an enormous felt sombrero on a stand, and a beltless trench coat on a brass rack — Three items. Three stories. One of them is about a hat.

I was in Burma when I first saw the hat.

Or Myanmar, as the locals insisted, with a firmness I found impolite. It sat on the head of a man who had nothing else, and he wore it as if the hat had chosen him. I bought it for a sum I will not disclose. I have never worn it. I don’t need to. It is enough to know that I could.

Everything in this catalogue was found the same way: by wandering off, and coming back with something.

— J. Peterman

Item No. 1141The Urban Sombrero

Brim: Forty-two inches. Doorway not included.
Material: Felt, sincerity
Sizes: One. It fits over everything.
Price: Ask, quietly

The Urban Sombrero.

It combines the spirit of old Mexico with a little big-city panache. I like to call it the Urban Sombrero. I was not the first to call it that. The first was an acting president of this company, during a period I was in Burma and she was, evidently, in charge.

Wear it to lunch. Wear it to a meeting you would rather not attend, and watch the meeting reschedule itself. It shades the wearer and everyone within four feet of the wearer, which is either a courtesy or a threat, depending on the sidewalk.

Returns are accepted. They have, historically, been numerous.

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A fictional catalogue. Nothing is for sale. The hat is not real, which is a relief to several architects.

Item No. 0872Himalayan Walking Shoe

Sole: Yak-tested
Altitude: Any, with regret
Break-in: Three weeks or one expedition
Price: Less than a Sherpa

The Himalayan Walking Shoe.

Base camp, 1994. A Sherpa named Tenzing, though not that Tenzing, looked at my boots and laughed for an uncomfortable length of time. Then he showed me his. This is his. I traded him a watch, a paperback, and a promise I have not kept.

It is a shoe for walking. It will also do for standing, and for the particular kind of leaning one does against a jeep while deciding whether to go on. Ventilated. Unlined. Unbothered.

Not for the office. Unless the office is at nine thousand feet, in which case, my condolences.

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Item No. 1957The Executive Raincoat

Belt: None. Deliberately.
Origin: Morty Seinfeld, 1946
Cut: Executive, beltless
Price: Morty would like to discuss it

The Executive. A raincoat with no belt.

Some inventions arrive as thunder. This one arrived as a man named Morty, in a lobby in Florida, explaining with enormous patience that he had removed the belt from a trenchcoat in 1946 and that the world had been slow to thank him.

He was right. The belt was always the problem. It dangles. It drags through puddles. It ends up in the door of a taxi. The Executive removes the problem, leaving a coat that is sleek, stylish, and, in Morty’s words, “all coat.”

Morty would like credit. Morty would also like to discuss the price, at length, before dinner, which is at 4:30.

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From the desk of the acting president

A note from Elaine Benes.

While Mr. Peterman was away, several decisions were made. Some of them are in this catalogue. The hat is one of them. The company has been very gracious about the hat. The company has not stopped mentioning the hat.

Also included this season: a number of items I did not approve, in copy I did not write, describing places I have not been. I am told this is the brand.

Editorial corrections, this issue

The Urban Sombrero was a decision made under pressure and remains, technically, in stock.
Mr. Peterman’s autobiography contains stories purchased from a Mr. Kramer. Please direct disputes to Mr. Kramer.
The muffin-top venture is a separate business and not a Peterman product, no matter what the catalogue implied.
Nobody here has been to Burma. Except him. Allegedly.

Where the catalogue goes when it goes

Burma. Or Myanmar. Depending on who is asking.

Mr. Peterman is currently in Burma, or was, or intends to be. Orders will be filled on his return. Letters may be addressed to the company, which will read them aloud in his absence, with feeling.

Write to the company